1. Ensure the shower temperature, nozzle and pressure are so weak that it forces the guest to run around in circles to not only stay warm but get wet
2. Provide no hanging or shelf space in showers so that guests must put towels and clothes in pile on the floor – bonus points if all water runs throughout the room ensuring everything gets wet
3. Make sure each set of bed linen has some kind of unidentifiable stain
4. Provide lockers that don’t lock, that have enough space for one shoe so that guest cannot possibly safeguard any of their possessions
5. Make sure each bedroom door doesn’t automatically lock, or has tendency to open itself so that guests must lock with key and test multiple times before leaving
6. Serve breakfast as they do to Oliver and look astonished at guests who ask for their serving of 2 pieces of toast when they have clearly had their serving the previous day (how can they possibly still be hungry!)
7. Provide wifi internet with a new password each two hours, with a signal that is so weak guests must stand on their head with their arm out the window while holding their breaths for it to work
8. Take out some bed slats from bunks so that guests sink through the non-existent mattresses
9. Place bunks in dorm rooms so close together so that if one guest turns over during the night it will begin a tidal wave effect throughout the other beds
10. Only use chiffon or similar see-through material as curtains so light comes through the window at all times – bonus points if you can make sure windows have a street light directly outside their windows
11. Only provide one bathroom per level, preferably when the toilet is in the same room so that guests must queue for peeing and showering in the same queue
12. Ensure all showers and toilets don’t have locks – or make a communal gym like row of showers with curtains slightly too small so that everything is for show and guests must come out naked before being able to wrap themselves in their drenched towels – see number 2 – this will ensure guests are living in utter fear throughout their would-be relaxing shower
13. Never empty shower drains so that guests can enjoy standing in bodily hair and fluids with people they didn’t have the pleasure to meet
14. Only provide one power-point per 10 bed dorm, conveniently located behind one bed – bonus points if hanging out of its socket so that it sparks when someone tries to use it
15. Ensure television requires guest to plug in at wall to turn it on because the power button doesn’t exist anymore – it should go without saying that the television should date back to before remotes were invented and should be positioned in the room so that guests can only view it by perching on the edge of the cupboard
16. Provide no hand wash or paper towels – and limited to no toilet paper
17. Advertise having a kitchen but then don’t provide any pots/pans or utensils
18. Make single rooms the size of a closet so guest can reach both sides of the room by standing on their bed with their arms stretched out, leaving no room for guest’s bags
19. Employ reception staff that have no idea about local tourist attractions, and no desire to find out
20. Build bunk beds that are so low that the bottom person cannot sit up or roll over
21. Remove all stuffing from pillows
22. Acquire a good colony of bed bugs
23. Ensure all rooms have an undesired temperature – too hot or too cold works but mix it up each night - go wild!
24. Ensure all cleaning staff enter guest rooms at dawn to vacuum and change the bed linen guests may or may not be currently using, also provide staff with ghetto blasters stuck between radio stations and encourage staff to sing along only if tone deaf
25. Ensure all flights of stairs are narrow and steep - if your building happens to have a lift, make sure it is either broken or in a state of such disrepair that guests will be too afraid to use it and that it disregards which floor the guest presses and chooses which floor it would like to stop at
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